I'm a smart ass. I've always been a smart ass. I, and a good friend of mine, formed and live by the rule, "funny always outweighs mean." The problem is lately I've skipped some of the funny and have just become mean. I'm cranky, I've been making mean comments to people, I've dropped the smart and am just being an ass.
I'm not sure what it is. The combination of not sleeping completely soundly for ten months, changes at work, lack of sex, the impossibility of reasoning with a crying baby, turning 32 (I'm now well into my 30's), the feeling of not accomplishing more already, the looming tower of projects at home, the pressure of being responsible for raising a kid into a upstanding citizen, and everything else. Maybe I'm just becoming a cranky old man. . . turning into my father.
I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I haven't been unhappy with the person I am for a long time, but I'm unhappy with my current personality, persona, self. . . or maybe just frame of mind. And lately I've been thinking everyone around me is starting to hate me too. I'm too young for this to be a mid-life crisis, perhaps it's a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know what I need. I've been thinking of taking up some type of meditation. Something to relax me so I won't be snapping at the drop of a hat anymore. Something to center myself and get back to my fun-loving, happy self. I need something.
Sorry for the quick piece of non-kid related self-examination. I suppose it's dad related. I think the shock of being a dad has taken a little time to catch up with me. For a bit I've been wrapped up in enjoying him that I haven't felt like a grown-up yet and now it's starting to hit me. Who knows?
But I don't like it.
Tim Kubart in the studio
5 days ago