Today, my wife asked what it was that was making me so cranky lately. Why I have the baby blues. She asked me and just as I started to answer her the little guy started fussing a lot in the back seat of the car so she forgot about our conversation and went back to entertain him (we were in a drive-thru).
So I'll spill more of it here. I'm upset because I can't leave my job.
I love my job. I have no intention of actually leaving my job, but now with a kid in tow I'm less able to get fed up one day, yell "fuck you all" and walk out. . . not that I would have before, but the option is gone. It makes me feel a bit trapped.
Then there's my freelance projects. I am picking up freelance clients left and right, but freelance clients mean working at home after my regular job, which means less time with my wife and kid. 3 years ago I would have killed for more clients and projects, today I take them one job at a time, and I even passed a few on to another designer friend of mine.
There's a couple opportunities coming up that will be great for me career wise. I need to move forward on them, but they are going to take a lot of my free time. You can't explain to a 10-month-old that daddy is working and would love to let you play on the computer with him, but he can't right now. To him it's I won't play with him, plain and simple. A couple weeks ago I tried to do some work while he was awake, he crawled into the office and tried to climb up to my lap. . . he cried when I wouldn't pick him up so he could play. It hurt, but it's what I needed to do.
He doesn't understand, and though one day he will, that feeling of daddy won't play with me will still loom.
OK cue "Cat's in the Cradle."
NOTE: See the last post for your fun, baby pictured post