Monday, October 27, 2008

Coward. . .

A old friend of mine is going through a tough time. She has a 6-month-old. We had intended to get together for lunch. She called and canceled because her son had to have eye surgery for a condition that weakens the ocular muscle, but that's not the tough time part. The week after the surgery I checked in to see how he was doing and reschedule lunch. She seemed cold and blew me off. . . then a week later she emailed to apologize. . .

She said she was out of sorts because she found out her husband had been cheating on her since their son was a month old.

He said he wanted to try and work things out but he was in love with the mistress and if he were honest with himself he'd really want to be with the mistress. But he owed it to my friend and their son to try and make things work. . . then last week he walked out on them and is now living in a hotel.

This is not the first story that I've heard. Five years ago, my own sister had her husband walk out on her with a 2-year-old and a 1-month-old. Another person I know recently had her husband leave and then come back and they have a 1-year-old.

I know that pregnancy and the first year of having baby can be tough on a marriage, but come on. . . first, how do you have time to have an affair with a baby at home!? Yeah, suddenly becoming a father is overwhelming and all but what the hell!? I get it. The wife, who focused all her love on you, now has chosen to move her focus to this new little person. I totally get that, but why haven't you gotten in the game and starting loving him too?

I'm not saying that keeping your marriage alive isn't really important. God knows the last year and a half of pregnancy and babyhood hasn't been a picnic for my marriage either, but be a man and suck it up. The sex-crazed wife from married with children doesn't exist. Sure we all saw Al Bundy refuse the advances of his hot wife and thought "what an idiot, I'd totally hit that." You know what? She doesn't exist. If you're like most everyone else, you're going to be the one begging her.

Before we got pregnant and several times after my wife and I had a couple conversations. I told her "I don't care if we get to the point of not liking each other. I don't care if we start dating other people. I don't care if we don't want to stay married. We will remain married and fake it until our little dude is 18." That baby is a bigger commitment than those vows you took. Add to that a mortgage that you both own on and you're bound together for life. Even if you leave you're now saddled with an ex-wife, how shitty is that. You don't like how the marriage is fix it. You're stuck with her either way, might as well make it good.

Be an adult and do what's right. Sure, you're not getting as much sex as you did before, yes, it's hard to get away and have dinner much less a romantic weekend road trip, no, your life won't be the stuff of movies. . . look at that little face and tell me it's not worth every second of it.



caramama said...

Plus, once the kids get a bit older, you have the time for each other again... and more. You have a whole family. Or so I hear.

While I do think divorce is the right option for some couples, I don't think the time to start thinking about it is in the first few years of babyhood. Things are too crazy. People need to be understanding and supportive of how hard it is. Not looking for the easy way out.

I agree: Cowards.

JamieMomma said...

Unlike you (which you are a great man)some men don't care about their families and only care about themselves. My husband cheated on me for the most selfish reasons. I believed and knew he was making the biggest mistake he could ever make walking away from his son. I came second in that picture. He comes from a massivly screwed up family where cheating was okay among other things. My family well there have been mistakes that I don't agree on but I know better. I gave him a second chance and with church counseling we made it, well we are making it I should say. We found out we were pregnant with Emily in the mean time and she honestly was the best happiness to come to us and made him grow up a lot and rethink his actions. I hope your friend can find some peace and just be there for her. A lot of men could really learn from you seriously. A lot.

~Joe said...


Jeanie said...

I read this a few weeks ago....still thinking about this post. What a great post.

We had our first baby in March of this year and my husband is very dedicated to the baby and also to me.

I can't imagine how your friend must feel with her little one having eye surgery and then finding out the schmuck of a man she married found someone else. You know, if he stays with the mistress, it will become ho-hum over there, too. (Why do they never think of this?) Sure, are paying bills, cleaning the lint filter and wiping out the fridge FUN?! Of course they're not, but you do it BECAUSE YOU ARE A GROWNUP, and THAT'S WHAT GROWNUPS DO.

Coward indeed.

Nice job on taking his marital vows seriously. I hope he is able to wake up from his nightmare.

Thank you for writing this post. Really. Quite a nice post.